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Dudley-Do-Right Meets the Leach
Please see the first portion of this post to understand the importance of Fairness in human relations.
Here are some quick definitions of the four categories:
Givers (I lose, you win)- many times givers unconsciously give for a sense of safety, identity, social approval/inclusion, a sense of power, or past programming. They tend to be other focused and put THE needs of others first. Givers focus on supporting and pleasing as much as possible, especially with takers, and initially will tend to take much less in return. They also tend to say “I’m sorry” quite often even when they haven’t done anything wrong. They tend to be more passive in personality and communication style.
Takers (I win, you lose)- most takers are unaware that they are takers and usually consider themselves to be givers or matchers. They tend to be self-interested and put their needs first. They focus on gaining as much as possible, especially when “giving,” and will tend to give as little as possible in return. They tend to rarely ever apologize or own when they have harmed others. They tend to be more aggressive in personality and communication style.
Matchers (if I win/lose, then you win/lose as well)- high in payoff evaluation (tit for tat, this for that, keeping track) they expect balanced giving and taking. If you give to me, I will give to you equally and if you take from me, I will take from you equally. They tend to be more assertive in personality and communication style.
Sharers (we all win) – are lower in payoff evaluation and focus on open giving. Their belief is that it is better to give and trust that the others will also give openly to collectively get to higher levels of success. Sharers tend to operate on trust of others and a sense of abundance in the world. They tend to be more assertive in personality and communication style.
Here are some categories and nick names I have created for Givers and Takers. It’s quite likely you know some of them.
Mother Superior – helping others at their own expense/detriment. Giver has an air of superiority and likes others to be dependent on him/her. Also, keeps them from being vulnerable and or dependent on others.
The Rescuer/Fixer – regularly seen in relationships people with addiction issues. Finds a sense of purpose as wells builds safety for themselves and relationships by being there for others. Rather than rescuing or fixing the person, the oftentimes just end up enabling the other person.
The Hero – Similar to Mother Superior, but more of a “rescuer” than a healer/nurturer.
The Pleaser – feels good prioritizing others and feels fear prioritizing his/herself. Tends to have been conditioned early on by parents in taking on a role that benefits the parents or the family system. It is usually shaped by these powerful words “Good boy/girl” and “Bad boy/girl.”
The Marty – “Poor me… look at all I have done for others and look at how little I’ve gotten in return for it.” A form of getting attention and sympathy because they tend to lack other means of attaining it.
Wishy-Washy - lets other people make decisions for them because it is easier than thinking for themselves or the possibility of avoiding some form of disagreement/conflict. Regularly heard saying “I don’t know/ I don’t care… what do you want?”
The Giving Parasite – people who don’t have much to offer in who they are or lack a sense of self. Take on the role of giving so that they can be a part of a group or be in a relationship. Usually lack charisma, social skills, etc. and end up doing a lot of work in order to be accepted, included, and appreciated.
Dudley Do-Right – has to be the good guy/gal. Was usually programmed by parents and religion to be a good little boy/girl and was shamed if he/she wasn’t. Feels good about being morally superior.
The Leach – will slowly bleed people to death a favor at a time
Center of the Show – (also known as the Rock Star, Comedian, and Poor, Poor Me) always wanting attention on him/her and will get upset if others take it. Usually very charismatic and really annoying if not charismatic.
The Sociopath – this person is aware that they are a taker and will usually take pride in it. Will either not be able to hide it well and ends up in prison or hides it very well and becomes the CEO of companies.
The Smooth Operator – flatters, makes people feel good about themselves in superficial ways that pulls people in to INTO giving to them.
The Alpha-Male Man Child – often fool female givers… initially tend to come off as confident and strong, but later find out that it has its basis in lack conscious, no empathy, and having to have his way. Becomes pouty and manipulative when he doesn’t get his way. Women tend to hang on way too long in hopes that he will change.
Needy Nancy – are dependent, don’t take care of themselves and rely on others to do it for them. Usually have some form of addiction and use others to enable them.
The Ego Stroker (also known as Slick and the Salesman) –Does this by complimenting people and getting them to feel good about themselves to make them vulnerable. Knows how to fool people into believing that they need him or that he is giving more than he actually is.
One Hit Wonder – (the high school quarterback) the person who has done something great or amazing in the past and keeps reminding others of the situation so they can relive it to keep a sense of admiration and specialness.
Mr./Ms. Entitled – believe that the world owes them and they surround themselves with people that can help them keep up the fantasy. Usually will burn through lots of people and lots of job.
“Mother Superior Meets the Sociopath: Not A Love Story” Here I give an example of how the Giver-Taker pattern regularly plays out in relationships.
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